THE DREADFUL DIARIES: Honesty and Self care

 Shameful selfies.

It's been a while since I posted what I look like. Truth be told, I get nervous about posting about myself! Thing is, I am who I am and I'm feeling much better about it lately. I've decided to make a lot of changes about how I cope with myself.

I've been going to the gym a whole year now, taking classes, got a new job, new haircut (that needs dye!) and I stopped a lot of the toxic stuff I liked such as smoking. I've been working so hard lately that I've felt like I have neglected a lot in my life. This blog has suffered. If I am truthful, it can sometimes be hard to keep the blog going when I'm very busy.

Anyone who blogs and lives their life online knows the pressure of finding content, research, images, selfies....it's a bit relentless after you've done an eight hour shift and a gym session. Especially if your not always feeling positive about your achievements.

I'm still here. I'm working. I'm still doing what I want. I'm just trying to find a balance.  I've been trying to be less hard on myself lately. I went vegan in February after a break up as a way to challenge myself. Given that I have coeliac disease - this was really hard. It meant that sometimes things had to be compromised on. I gave in and introduced cheese back into my diet. I found I was holding myself up to an unreal standard I couldn't cope with. Vegan-policing myself. While most of my diet is vegan still - I have relaxed on things I cannot help like bread. Coeliac bread has egg in it but I cannot eat vegan friendly breaded items...so.....what are you going to do?

Then I got Vegan policed for real.

I want to say that the vegans I have met and spoken to have nearly all been lovely. In fact, it felt really nice to be part of the community when I first joined. However, I made my views known about violent methods of protesting not being as effective as a peaceful (and well thought out) protest that doesn't hurt innocent people. I got strung out for it. Thing is, I saw the damage that approach made to non vegans - they were upset, confused and then this turned to eye rolling and laughter. So we pushed people away further from the cause by insisting the violence was needed.

Then the comments affected me to the point where I was so angry I considered leaving. In fact, I think a part of me living as a vegan didn't recover after that. I understand if you disagree with my commentary but come to speak to me quietly in a respectful manner. What I saw was three people attack my character online repeatedly. A part of me really went, nope. So what did that achieve? Nothing.

I still eat vegan predominately when I can. I just refuse to panic when I cannot find alternatives due to my health condition. It's a joke that it is that difficult.

So this is part of the 'go easy on you' mentality I'm adopting. I've also listened to my body with the gym too. I normally force myself to go most nights for an hour or two. While I have worked out until I'm exhausted, I recently learned what it was like to listen to my own body signals. I took a boxing class at my gym and loved it. I found myself getting stuck into the kicks, punches, swings, etc and left feeling incredible. In fact, I booked myself back in immediately for a second class. However, by Wednesday I was so sore I couldn't move. I knew I needed to go back to the gym on Tuesday as I was away that weekend for work and needed as many work outs in the meantime. I also knew my body hurt and I needed a break - so I stayed home.

That is a massive achievement for me. To be able to admit that I needed downtime and rest.

 I've always been into punishing myself by working myself harder and harder to the point of exhaustion. I've got a new job then suddenly thought - I CAN TAKE ON THE WORLD! This has led to taking on multiple projects and then realising I am exhausted. So after my event I organised in June, I realised enough is enough and stop. I now take it slowly and try.

I don't need to go at warp speed.

I know why I feel I need to. I have ADHD and I have hyperfocus. Hyperfocus and hyperactivity for me means that I am constantly wired. I don't switch off. I am always thinking of ways to challenge or make myself go further and harder until I am punished by being exhausted, underweight or mentally kicking myself for 'bad' behaviour like eating dairy. There is nothing wrong with dairy - it is the actual bomb.

So this is my challenge for the new year actually. Learning to relax, care for myself and just stop punishing myself. I've started reading in bed lately with a good book, cheese and crackers and my cat. It's the best feeling knowing that I'm not stressing. Just enjoying how cosy it is and how relaxing it is.

There you go.

New year resolutions before new year! I'm doing well!